But since this blog is supposed to be documenting my recovery, here it goes: I've got some good news and...I've got some bad news.
Good news first. For the last 4 weeks, I have been dedicating my life to learning how to walk again. Apparently, I've been walking "wrong" for 34 years. Wha? Why didn't my kindergarten teacher catch this major flaw in 1985? (Report card: "Kirstie has learned her alphabet. She makes friends easily. Her walking is f'd right up"). My knees naturally turn inward when I walk - Dr. M calls them "kissing knees" - sounds romantic, but it's these amorous knees that are causing me so much pain. When I weight bear and my knees turn inward, the majority of weight is directly on the lesion where my transplanted cartilage lies. It's not a smooth surface, so it "sticks" and results in some pain and, to be honest, it just freaks me right out. But...if I concentrate really hard, squeeze my right butt cheek like my life depends on it, I can turn my knee outward and re-distrubute my weight on the lateral portion of my knee. Brilliant! Easy, right? Um.... ya, no, it's really hard and it makes me whiny. Can someone call me a waaaaaaambulance?
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| That's enough you two. |
With a full-length mirror at the end of the hall, I have been walking laps of my hallway, squeezing that right ass cheek and constantly watching my knee, ensuring that it does not kiss the other. I'm like the parent chaperone at grad that restrains the horny high school kids from making out on the dance floor. It's mentally and physically exhausting, but it's a strategy that is currently working for me, it's beginning to feel natural, and there is limited pain. It feels decent. I've been able to ditch the crutch in my house, and am currently walking short distances with little pain and a pretty decent gait. Boo ya!
Now...for the not so good news. The other knee. It's made it known that it is pissy. Initially, I made excuses for it, "It's tired of doing all the work, dammit! Let it be pissy!" but recently, it's begun to act much like the right knee did in the early stages of my injury. It aches. It sounds like rice krispies when I extend it or walk down stairs. It's also "sticking" occasionally when I pivot. All these symptoms could simply be inflammation...or, given my history and my diagnosis, they could very well be precursors or indicators of cartilage damage. If I was a car, my "Check Engine" light would be on. Dammit. Where do I get serviced? Don't answer that. If I was a car, I'd probably be a gently used BMW. It looks good on the lot. Shiny. Looks to be in good condition. Some poor sap buys that BMW, drives it around a few times and...BOOM, the f'n wheel just falls right off. So the spare gets put on the Beemer and now you have this nice shiny car driving around with a fricken donut. It looks dumb. The stupid car can't go past 30km an hour, nor can it travel on the highway. It's not really good for anything. And just when you think things couldn't get worse, the "check engine" light comes on...you just know that something else is wrong with this fricken car. You'd be better off selling it off for parts or trading it in for a newer model. I am a lemon, dammit.
So I'm not gonna lie, I'm fearful. I kinda feel like a ticking time bomb. This knee could hold out for weeks, months, years, or even never manifest into anything concerning...or it could go at any minute - I can walk around saying, "Well now I blew out my other knee."
I've been attempting to distract myself as best as I can - working the knee that is recovering nicely, writing, meditating, masturbating (haha, just checking to see if you're listening), enjoying time with friends, and watching dumbass guests on Dr. Phil (I may have shit knees but at least I'm not stupid!) What else can I do? My subconscious, on the other hand, is not easily distracted. My latest recurring dream goes something like this: I'm driving a boat/plane/train but there is something stuck to my windshield, completely obstructing my view. I have no idea what is ahead of me. Instead of slowing down, I speed up, faster and faster - until I crash into rocks and/or mountains. I get it, subconscious, - it doesn't take a rocket scientist to analyze that one. I have no idea what's ahead of me. I am blindly moving forward and it's terrifying....but that really doesn't make me any different than anyone else on this Earth, does it? So I guess all I can do is squeeze that butt cheek and keep putting one foot in front of the other.
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| Easy for him - he doesn't have knees |
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