It has been a tough few weeks in terms of knee pain. The last time we chatted, I explained how I really believe that my pain is neuropathic - my brain is interpreting threat and sending amplified pain signals to my knee. It was enlightening to gain awareness and accept that my knee is likely structurally as good as it will ever get; however, it's frustrating when you understand why and where the pain is occurring, yet feel helpless to make it stop.
Anyways, I ended up taking some time off of work in an attempt to settle down this pissed off knee. It was ok for a few days, but by day 3, I was losing my marbles, ready to kill Dr. Phil and his messed up guests, and really eager to get back to the hospital - easier said than done. Because of some checked boxes on a form, I was told by HR that I could come back to work as long as I didn't sit, stand, or walk. Um? Ok? How's that gonna play out people? Speech therapy via stretcher?? Luckily, my family doctor is a very accommodating man and he was able to meet me in the operating room before he performed surgery just so he could uncheck those pesky boxes so that I could return to work. For real. Awesome system.
Although I am frequently experiencing pain at work, I find it much easier to distract myself in that environment. When you're dealing with people who've just suffered a stroke, or a family who is questioning how to keep a loved one comfortable at the end of life, you gain perspective and spend a lot of energy attempting to reassure and comfort patients. You also get to chat with families, hear about the patient's wedding in 1945, the new great-grandchild, and discuss current events. There is no doubt in my mind that I get my energy from people. I really need to be surrounded by people, especially when I'm struggling. I am also very lucky to work with really fabulous co-workers. They sense when I'm having a rough day (most of them are physios, so they can spot an "off" gait anywhere!) and are so supportive and kind.One of my fabulous co-workers, Kelly, has begun acupuncture with me. Kelly is one of those people who is constantly observing, processing, and problem-solving. She came up with a great plan: we're going to pair my acupuncture session (in which I should feel relaxed and pain-free) with music. The idea is to classically condition myself, so eventually, if I am feeling pain, I can listen to a specific song/songs and instantly feel relaxed. You know, just like Pavlov's dog. If "Pour Some Sugar on Me" suddenly makes me excessively salivate, you'll know we've gone wrong somewhere. Haha. It's totally worth a try and I'm open to everything right now. In addition, I'm trying a new medication that targets nerve pain. I'm crossing my fingers that this combination of therapy makes a difference for me. I just really want to be happy and pain-free again - consistently. Fake it 'til you make it has some merits; however, it's exhausting to constantly be smiling through clenched teeth.
Yesterday, for example, around 2pm, I had hit my limits for the day. My knee was aching, the "shocks" were starting up again, and I felt old and disabled as I limped into my patient's room. My 75 year old patient with dementia, who had been in the hospital for over a month, was facing the wall in his wheelchair as I entered the room.
"Mr Smith? Hello! I'm Kirstie, the Speech Therapist."
Mr. Smith turned his head slowly and his eyes widened in surprise, "Wow! You look like a movie star!"
A huge grin appeared on my face and I instantly felt...well, I'm not gonna lie - I felt awesome.
"You have no idea how great that makes me feel," I responded, "Are you getting tired of being in the hospital?"
"I'm in the hospital? Jesus, when did that happen?" he responded.
Oh dear. He was definitely confused. He was confused, but man, did he ever make my day.
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| ...And someone will mistake you for a movie star. |
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