It was Ev's second season with the Prince Albert Raiders and they were making a sweet play-off run. Ev was en fuego, saving shit left and right to help the team to the Eastern Conference Final. Raw talent? Confidence? Amazing work ethic? Nope, it was the Toffifee chocolate. Unbeknownst to anyone other than his awesome girlfriend (me, duh!), Evan had convinced himself that if he consumed 1 Toffifee chocolate the night before each game, he would be unreal between the pipes, leading his team to a 'W'. Makes total sense, right? Holy shit, is this dude for real?
We finally gave up searching for that box of chocolates (why couldn't his magic candy be Smarties, dammit!) and Ev basically resigned himself to the fact that he would not play well the next day, and guess what? He didn't fricken play well. Surprise!
It was obvious to me, and Evan will certainly admit to it now - he had convinced himself that his performance on the ice was dependent on a certain "feeling" that he must possess pre-game. Whether it was the Toffifee chocolate, or the way we ended a phone conversation before a big game (Me: "Have fun tonight!" Ev: "I'll try" Me: "You will!"- I'm not even joking, that was our "pre-game script" for 3 years!) or the quality of his pre-game nap, certain pre-game events would provoke a feeling which, in his mind, would determine whether or not he would be "on" that night. It's not rocket science - he was classically conditioned. Like Pavlov's dog, he paired certain words, events, or...chocolates with a great game, and convinced himself that the only way to repeat his performance was to replay the exact events that led up to that one great game.
 |
| Where's my Toffifee??? |
It was super frustrating for me to watch. I would know the night before a game whether or not Ev would play well. He was either engaged in life or way out in left field (searching for his special "feeling"). I found myself desperately trying to help him achieve that state he wanted to be in. I would try to distract him with a movie or a funny story (no hanky panky before a game people!), but Ev was already shut-down, chasing that special "I will play well" feeling that he couldn't really define.
Looking back, Evan now believes that his talent was enough to get him drafted and signed in the NHL, but his personal mind-games are what ultimately prevented him from reaching his full potential as a goalie. It's unfortunate that he wasn't mature enough to identify his issue and deal with it at the time (he was in his early 20's); however, he maintains to this day that he will never let his head interfere with accomplishing something ever again. He learned from it, I suppose. Tough lesson.
I've been thinking about Ev's hockey career lately and comparing parts of it to my recovery. I, too, am searching for a feeling...I'm waiting for that "I'm getting better!" feeling. I wake up every day and think, "Do I feel like I'm better today?" Last August when I was mending from my first surgery, I remember drinking margaritas one day and feeling fabulous. As I danced on the boat, I actually thought, "I am fixed! This BS is over!" I want that feeling back. Can you guess what I've been drinking lately? Unfortunately, margaritas don't fix knees - they just cause headaches, dammit...and fun...and bad choices. Margaritas = fun/headaches/bad choices. Does anybody really want a margarita right now? Mmmmm.
I'm experiencing a lot of pain with weight bearing and it's difficult for me to not feel like I'm reverting back to that listless, lifeless shell of myself that laid on the couch for months at a time. I feel pain and I think "broken." I hate that feeling. I've been there many times in the last year. But I'm not broken anymore. I'm rehabilitating. I'm recovering. This pain is different. It means "healing." I need to change my thought process. A little pain is ok. Pain might mean, "back off the exercises a bit" or "whoa, kiddo, slow down!" but it doesn't have to mean "broken."
It's one thing to understand it, but it's another thing to convince yourself...especially at 3 in the morning. Who's with me? Everything sucks at 3am. For one, if you're thinking at 3am, you are not sleeping. You feel like the only person left on Earth and that's when your thoughts become negative and shitty. My doc calls this "catastrophizing." Yep, I do my best catastrophizing at 3am. "This hurts too much. I'm broken again, I just know it. I will never return to a "normal" life ever again. Oh shit, is the world really going to end on Dec 21 because that's like coming up soon....should I even buy xmas presents then, or no?" Oh man, it spirals on and on. Tell me I'm not the only one who does this at 3am??? Can we all go on twitter or something and unite? #CATASTROPHIZING@3AM
In other news, I am 100% completely addicted to Songza. I honestly feel like Songza is watching me. Songza is seriously providing the soundtrack to my life. Songza knows. Songza knows.
"Ouch, this f'n hurts!"
Cue: Kelly Clarkson: What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
"I don't know if I can do this anymore."
Cue: Journey: Don't Stop Believin'
"I look like an old crippled woman. I just want to feel and look good again."
Cue: Justin Timberlake: I'm bringin' sexy back
"Man I hope I can get my ass back."
Cue: Sir Mix A Lot: Baby got back
"I have no fight left"
Cue: Survivor: Eye of the Tiger
I hear ya. Thanks Songza.
No comments:
Post a Comment