Do NOT smile at the monkeys. Ever.

We're back from Bali! It was incredible. What an amazing place. The Balinese people are wonderful. I've never encountered such gentle, lovely people. I have tons of stories and thoughts to share, but to be honest, I'm currently not feeling too articulate. I'm definitely feeling the effects of the 40+ hours of travel and 12 hour time difference. My head is fuzzy, my tummy is upset, and it appears as though I've developed narcolepsy - I seem to fall asleep randomly and suddenly - while sitting on my couch, at the dinner table, on the toilet, and embarrassingly, almost at a work meeting yesterday. I suppose that's the definition of jet lag. So I'll take the next few days to sort this all out and try not to make any important life-changing decisions or share any deep thoughts until my head has cleared.

But, I have to share one memorable tale from our holiday ASAP - it's too sweet not to share.

When I was at my lowest last winter/spring, whilst heavily medicated and miserable, I had this sudden overwhelming desire to own a monkey. I know I know, it sounds crazy. I think I saw a picture of a monkey walking a dog on Pinterest and my effed up brain thought, "If only I had a monkey! My monkey could take Dundee for walks and fetch my pills! Brilliant!"I harassed my poor mom, sending her pictures of cute little monkeys daily - "Mom, I want a monkey. Can you find me a monkey?"

Thankfully, as I returned to my coherent self, I realized this monkey business was just...well...monkey business (See - I suck today.)

Well on our 2nd or 3rd day in Bali, Allicia and I were absolutely thrilled to spot a monkey on the side of the road.

"Pull over! Pull over!" we pleaded to our driver.

We quickly scattered out of the car (the boys remained inside) and began taking pics of this cute little guy, who sat quietly on a ledge scratching his belly and gazing curiously at us (likely thinking, "What are these little yellow-haired creatures with high, screechy voices?")

As we admired our cute little monkey, more monkeys began to congregate. Out of the jungle came 6, 7, 8 monkeys - all lining up on the ledge to inquisitively peer at us and scratch their bellies. Allicia and I marvelled at our little gang of monkeys - this was adorable! We beckoned to the boys to join us. This was more fun than a barrel of monkeys. Our boys remained in the vehicle, watching intently through the window.

Suddenly, a big, angry monkey joined the crowd. Sitting himself in the middle of the line-up, it was difficult not to notice that this giant, irritated monkey was sporting a...well...a boner. Yep, a big monkey boner.

Now, it's important to mention at this point in the story that monkeys come with warnings. Every website or book you will read about monkeys cautions you: "Do NOT smile at monkeys. Monkeys interpret teeth as a sign of aggression."

Tell me...how the hell do you NOT smile at a giant monkey with a big monkey boner?

Allicia and I burst into laughter. Oh my god! Do you see what I see?

In retrospect, it's quite apparent that a big, angry monkey with a stiffy is obviously going to be aggressive. Duh....and to be fair to the monkey, I can't imagine that any male would be thrilled with anyone mocking his boner.

As Allicia and I laughed hysterically, the big angry monkey did something utterly horrible. He scrunched up his little monkey face, opened his mouth, bared some major monkey fangs (I swear, there was still blood on those viscous monkey fangs from the last tourist he consumed), and hissed and screeched at us! It was like a monkey horror movie! He then raised his giant monkey arm and started waving it aggressively at us. If he could talk, I'm positive he would have been shrieking, "I'll get you my pretty!"

Allicia and I freaked! Screaming, we ran to the car, "Open the door! Open the door!" The boys, of course, were laughing hysterically at our predicament (which pissed us off - never bear your teeth at a terrified blonde).

Alarming. That, my friends, is what nightmares are made of.

That experience definitely put a monkey wrench in my plans of monkey adoption. Don't mess with the monkeys.